i spent all night playing Skyrim doing the Companions missions, i had fun. by morning, i was watching a movie, two of them. Star Trek 2009 version and Star Trek Into Darkness.
I was arguing with my mother and we ended up throwing verbal insults and a lot of slapping fight with threats against each other. she started it by coming up to me and slapped me without warning. I took action today to return in kind.
i finally had enough of her today, i decided to whip her butt. soon after, a fight broke out. her butt was handed down finally. we had enough of fighting after a hour brawl.
soon after our brawl ended, the power was turned off completely without warning. we had come up to the power company building and i scolded their butts off which in return made them to apologize for not checking the payments that were already made for next full year. so they turned it back on. i returned home and went to sleep right away.
I had gotten bad news from my ex-mother, she told me that my ex-grandma is dying, but dying slowly. she seems to think it could happen soon at any time with or without warning after doctor's visit yesterday.
unfortunately, the relationship between me and my ex-mother is still not getting anywhere better or to the point it has reached to friendly level yet.. we're still arguing to the point that we're becoming more and more angry against each other.
we just totally despise each other completely and give each other the "look" many times. sometimes the things are not better for us that can cause us to get violent quickly against each other.
yet if my ex-grandma dies, we have to sell some of our things and her things so that we can make money before moving to other places.
and that's when we do have enough money during those times, I plan to get my money through this method and divide the money earnings between me and my ex-mother which will give us enough to go on our separate ways, moving to somewhere separately.
I will move to California's backside country, right here on Sonona Coast. can have a house built near the beach. that will be my first thought to move to here, yet I have other places in California that I'd like to move and live too.
I do wish sometimes that our lives were different without me being part of my former ex-family, being part of different family and were born a girl instead of boy.
things for me would have been alot more nice and better, no drama or getting hurt in worst ways like I did experienced it myself in my former family.
the scar I still bear actually still hurts and lingers in every waking moment of the day, still hurting over the time and days to nights. I come to the point that I just wanted to be free from this pain, so that I may feel better about myself.
but that will not happen. my only hope is to get my scar no longer visible and fix it through scar removal surgery or something like it.
it will help in short run for me to feel alot better about myself and not having to continue looking at my face in mirror and also to feel the scar on my face too.
I also have been laying on my bed wondering and pondering my life as it is last night, I honestly think it's not gonna get better for me sometime soon or later.
I wake up today this morning, realizing that I should not allow the life to beat me for enjoyment and amusement at cost of who I am and what I stand for.
I will not let life actually have their way with me again. nor will I ever let it hurt me in many ways I have been hurt over certain things.
I am Role Model for those who are MTF like me, I will continue to support them and give advice to them in any way I can.
it is my duty to the people of MTF communities. I AM the Avatar of MTF Communities, anywhere you are I am present and available.
I recently found out that someone shattered our outer window today. I had come to inspect the outside of the house when I saw it. it was recent. I do not know who has done it, but they will be held accountable.
I do pray this does not happen again.
however, I'm not happy that it has happened again. it was not first time.. almost eight years ago, a man came up to the side of our house which he brandished a weapon, shattered the outer window before, that exactly same window.
it was reason why I have not told anyone about it long time ago until today I have publicly spoke about it.
the threat I received from my ex mother was not good, I just caught her trying to use my computer this night. I had not let her off without warning, with serious look on my face. all I need to keep her away from this computer. I never want her to be near the computer.
and she just got mad at me over it, she threatened to put me into crazy house. I mean, over this? that's just sad. she still doesn't get it, I'm not boy or man. I am girl or woman.
instead, she still lives in this crazy fantasies that she calls me by my old male name instead of my real true name. that's crazy I'd say. she needs to open her eyes. the person she KNEW last year ago is gone forever. but the spiritual emotion remains of that person is still around deep inside me.
but the person responsible for loss of joy and love was my ex mother herself. that night of assault, I never mentioned something about it earlier in beginning. the hit caused heavy loss of joy and happiness, love in form of blood.
and so, it took me long time to recover and try to regain much of it by doing the things I love so I will not lose what that made the person I am today. that was through my choices, my actions and my emotions. even the happiness is still difficult to get here without little help or push.
I'm still angry with her and everyone over what has happened to me in past years up to recent years and recent events as well. I certainly don't want them around or be near me. but I already knew by the time secret was revealed, the damage has already been done.
I chose to continue down the path that I made sure others can't follow.
what I did't know is that someone very special to me did follow me down a path that led to his death. that was one thing I held very dearly to me and that was my only first love, first future boyfriend. I have blamed myself for his death, I never got chance to tell him how much I loved him and that I was afraid to talk to him. not everyone gets chance to open up truly to someone they liked or loved.
i even did blamed myself for what happened to him, i should have been here for him and helped him even more. i would have just let him come into my life bit more then maybe he would have not DIED like that way he did. but i was so damn too scared to let him.
let me tell you this: "true love is hard to remove but you can get scared when you just realized that you're in love for first time and you're afraid to tell that person out of fear for what they might say, but you must tell them. because sooner or later they might not be here today or tomorrow. so it's important to let that person know."
which is true, because i did't know it would be last time i would ever get to see him. and i do want to say that i truly loved him more than just friend, but a girlfriend. and that i miss him dearly.
i also wanted to be happy with someone i had in my life, and that was him. but i never got chance to experience it for myself as boyfriend/girlfriend or as couple too. just not as friends. but i might never get to experience it for first time.
so, i can tell you that it is not easy to forget about him like that. i still think of him every day and night. i even think about things that me and him would have been doing lately.. like.. playing video games together and doing game boards, watching movies plus going out every night, partying.
oh, it would have been fun for me.
I really wanted serious love but I can't get it that easily, I do really admit that I'm quite.. sexually frustrated every day and night since I was 18..
so I really can't help it when I get like this each night. you're just like, "blah! I need this love badly" who can blame a girl for being like this?
nobody can't. they do understand.
but then, i just look to my mirror and i see Korra standing behind me, looking worried and scared. i also see Asami over my other shoulder, crying.
i then see a lot of damaged ruins, abandoned city streets of a city. i feared that our Human Race was wiped out by simple act of War.
everything in that mirror flashed past me as i see it happen. that is the future i was hoping to avoid, but it seems we're on collision course toward the end of Humanity. but i remained hopeful that future will change for better. i just have to hold on to that.
Rane made his decision today and chose me, I was so shocked and happy to be back with him, I love him too much to let him go and want to spend more time with my man. nothing is better to be with the person you love most. and that's my Rane AkA Mako :)
This blog of Hers, Life Struggles are about her life in her view, point of view. are also about her thoughts on all kinds of matters in her life.
it is also her Journal Blog.
Comments are welcome, but I ask for civil and clean comments please.
this Journal is now NSFW too.