I wondered if I made right choices but also wondered if those choices has destroyed what was once my former family I had grown to hate and despise.
I am strong, flawless, smart. not because of things I do, but because of my inner spirit.
for some reason, I still have nightmares of my assault. I try to meditate on this when suddenly I’m faced with my own self. she decides to assault me without warning, I had to fight and defend myself but was losing slowly against her. that’s when I realized that I have fear. this FEAR.. I have no idea of what it’s related to. I have to figure it out on my own. hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of it. when I looked back to my past, I saw horrible things. things that were questionable in nature. I wondered if I made right choices but also wondered if those choices has destroyed what was once my former family I had grown to hate and despise. maybe I will find out in due time. I have things to do in this world while I can. because I have people who love me for who I am. I am strong, flawless, smart. not because of things I do, but because of my inner spirit. that alone is my strength. I have to be independent, indifferent and wise woman.
0 Comments
I woke up to find out that my mother wants to commit Suicide, that she couldn't handle life at all. so she tried to do it, but I prevented her from doing it. I was so shocked that it happened today, made my life even more harder now. in spite of her trying to commit Suicide. in fact, she tried to do it three times today and that I had to prevent her again, again. I'm at crossroads of my life once again. I'm completely at loss of what to do. I know she went through a lot with brain surgery and skull repair few months ago after the incident in March. I sometimes think that it should have never happened if she has't done that to me, it certainly would have never happened.
but right now she is doing all kinds to attempt Suicide and I'm working rapidly to prevent her from committing it. because I think she is going too far with her life that she hates. she ultimately wants to die. I feel Betrayed at highest level ever been.. I was deeply shocked and deeply saddened to hear that my own ex-mother was hiding the REAL truth from me..
I never imagined it was so most powerful and very damaging personal betrayal I have ever encountered.. this today, I found out that my ex-mother was siphoning my SSI money from me without telling me about what SSI was or what it’s about at my 18th birthday or even gave me the money. that made me very sick to my stomach.. I FELT completely angry with her of her own actions. so, I decided to take the matters into my own hands. I’m going to file restraining order against everyone in my former family. also who are once part of my life as well. that will happen once I move to California somehow. I hate this life I’m living in.. I hope it will change for better when I’m here with my boyfriend Daniel. Cassandra: “I will always put others before me. then you can worry about me. it is my life’s goal that I will make this world a better place.. one thing at a time. it starts with act of random kindness. my first act would be to give kids a memory that they can cherish. so.. after my change into woman fully, I plan to dress up as Korra from Legend of Korra, meeting people and kids, cosplayers alike at Comic Conventions or other Conventions. they can be proud and say, “hey I met Korra today at a convention” at their school or where they are at.” "I also have been granted a vision of my future life by God last yesterday.. it was wonderful to see. it was an life of me as woman. I was seen with my boyfriend and my two adopted kids at a house somewhere in Mountains, with Christmas tree, many presents underneath. in the background behind the tree.. shows a windows with falling snowflakes in background, everything is crystal white. white as a Christmas day. that was wonderful sight to see. I do hope i’ll see it happen in my life with my boyfriend.” "I love my boyfriend too much to let him go without my blessings and my love. I opened my heart to Daniel. he’s wonderful boyfriend of five months now.. I never want to lose that kind of feeling like I have with him.
when I’m around or with him. it’s so amazing…” |
Cassandra SaturnLife StrugglesThis blog of Hers, Life Struggles are about her life in her view, point of view. are also about her thoughts on all kinds of matters in her life.
it is also her Journal Blog. Comments are welcome, but I ask for civil and clean comments please. this Journal is now NSFW too. Archives:
October 2015
Categories (Titles):
All
|