i never thought it would cost alot, but it is. it’ll cost a lot in fees. one for getting Original birth certificate from hospital I was born in. and gender designation change on my ID etc etc from any of following physician as well to get new ID card. ugh. what’s bad about it is that I don’t have money still. i have to change my name legally through DMV. hopefully, when it’s done then i can finally begin my new life as woman when i move to California to start my process of my transition to Female fully.
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for some reason, I still have nightmares of my assault. I try to meditate on this when suddenly I’m faced with my own self. she decides to assault me without warning, I had to fight and defend myself but was losing slowly against her. that’s when I realized that I have fear. this FEAR.. I have no idea of what it’s related to. I have to figure it out on my own. hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of it. when I looked back to my past, I saw horrible things. things that were questionable in nature. I wondered if I made right choices but also wondered if those choices has destroyed what was once my former family I had grown to hate and despise. maybe I will find out in due time. I have things to do in this world while I can. because I have people who love me for who I am. I am strong, flawless, smart. not because of things I do, but because of my inner spirit. that alone is my strength. I have to be independent, indifferent and wise woman.
I woke up to find out that my mother wants to commit Suicide, that she couldn't handle life at all. so she tried to do it, but I prevented her from doing it. I was so shocked that it happened today, made my life even more harder now. in spite of her trying to commit Suicide. in fact, she tried to do it three times today and that I had to prevent her again, again. I'm at crossroads of my life once again. I'm completely at loss of what to do. I know she went through a lot with brain surgery and skull repair few months ago after the incident in March. I sometimes think that it should have never happened if she has't done that to me, it certainly would have never happened.
but right now she is doing all kinds to attempt Suicide and I'm working rapidly to prevent her from committing it. because I think she is going too far with her life that she hates. she ultimately wants to die. I feel Betrayed at highest level ever been.. I was deeply shocked and deeply saddened to hear that my own ex-mother was hiding the REAL truth from me..
I never imagined it was so most powerful and very damaging personal betrayal I have ever encountered.. this today, I found out that my ex-mother was siphoning my SSI money from me without telling me about what SSI was or what it’s about at my 18th birthday or even gave me the money. that made me very sick to my stomach.. I FELT completely angry with her of her own actions. so, I decided to take the matters into my own hands. I’m going to file restraining order against everyone in my former family. also who are once part of my life as well. that will happen once I move to California somehow. I hate this life I’m living in.. I hope it will change for better when I’m here with my boyfriend Daniel. Cassandra: “I will always put others before me. then you can worry about me. it is my life’s goal that I will make this world a better place.. one thing at a time. it starts with act of random kindness. my first act would be to give kids a memory that they can cherish. so.. after my change into woman fully, I plan to dress up as Korra from Legend of Korra, meeting people and kids, cosplayers alike at Comic Conventions or other Conventions. they can be proud and say, “hey I met Korra today at a convention” at their school or where they are at.” "I also have been granted a vision of my future life by God last yesterday.. it was wonderful to see. it was an life of me as woman. I was seen with my boyfriend and my two adopted kids at a house somewhere in Mountains, with Christmas tree, many presents underneath. in the background behind the tree.. shows a windows with falling snowflakes in background, everything is crystal white. white as a Christmas day. that was wonderful sight to see. I do hope i’ll see it happen in my life with my boyfriend.” "I love my boyfriend too much to let him go without my blessings and my love. I opened my heart to Daniel. he’s wonderful boyfriend of five months now.. I never want to lose that kind of feeling like I have with him.
when I’m around or with him. it’s so amazing…” I spent 3 nights in cold house with heater blasting at full power. no change. so by fourth night, I covered up the door in living room near me and it has't dropped in temp.
the three nights I spent were really cold. 103 to 108. and today, this morning my mother came up at me and accused me of stealing her cigarette pack. -.- I'm so DONE. I really NEED to go away from this State smh. the state here has become too cold for me. I need warm place to stay so I'm hoping to find a place in California. move to there and settle down there with my boyfriend, pay for my new resident fees and name change, addresses and so forth at DMCA of California. "I just realized that I do actually look like Korra. I think I am the real life version of Korra." ~ Cassandra Saturn
this is my only really so kind version of venting/ranting letter to my mother as it follows: You made your choice Three years ago, did't even think about your choices would affect our lives and house. that's why I tried to talk you out of it by telling you to get job as well. I really did't want us to be back in poverty again. you caused too many problems, because of your refusal to get a job since you were laid off. it forced me no choice but to find jobs to make money to pay off the bill problems and problems. I've been trying to find job since I started applying in September 18th 2014. I had plans for 2013 and more. but that changed when my HDTV broke, my attention shifted to find replacement for HDTV. then my face got smashed in for trying to get you to understand how important that HDTV is to me. my HDTV HELPED me get through the eight months of no internet last year ago. things are already hard on me without HDTV. it'll be even harder without a security for internet, it can force me to stay offline. things in real world without HDTV will lead both of us getting hurt in worst ways! that is the Future of today I am trying so hard to avoid. But with past Events proves that it, too will happen because of you.
so WHY must we Suffer too much because of your choices that affect my life negatively. so THINK first before you ACT with your feelings. you taught me that. to my fans and Korra fans, I know you have every right to be disappointed in me. but I can’t do it. I need to deal with my problems. only one way to do it is through money. so as of result, I applied for VE which stands for Vivid Entertainment, an porn business and other businesses. I have to do it so I can pay for my bills and for my things to be dealt with. It’s also dirty money business but I need money. I have not been given support or money from my ex-family for past two years.. I know that for the fact I might lose what it has made me into. but I need this to get out of my old life and start my new life.
for that, I’m sorry guys. as I remain knocked out cold for 11 hours, I come to. realizing my errors and my actions that have cost me too much of valuable time few years ago back. I know that I cannot undo what was already done. it was too late. I struggle to reach my past memories of a time long ago, a time when I was most happiest. even ones with my mother. but I really don't remember it at all. it's as if my memories of that past is locked or blocked. I have no idea why. I try so hard every day to remember, but I cannot even remember it. on that day I became so fearful of failing my chance at independence life on my own in a city far from my mother. I really was so afraid of not knowing how would I deal with it myself alone or with my boyfriend Daniel. the truth is.. I'm afraid of not being able to have a chance at life, I so respectfully wish to have. and that's to become a woman, to have all joys and pain, sadness of what girls would experience. even marriage. I hope I do have that chance to see it happen in my life. as part of my goals in life. I'm so helpless to help myself and to save myself from poverty. with my life at stake, I applied for job at Target in the Puyallup Area in hopes to get little bit of money that I can build up in a month or two so that I can move to California to have a new life. I learned that today I was not hired. so I cannot find any good deaf jobs that could help me to get to my goal in due time soon as possible. I even have tried all odd job search to see if I could find a hourly money rate that would help in long run. so far, here are none at all. I wish it will end so I can work to make my life better without hitting the poverty. I hated going back to poverty. I went through that too much twice. it hurt me really hard and changed me. I will not let this happen to me for third time. all I can do is to pray and hope that I get through this. somehow... I have no one else to ask for help. even I know that i might not get any help at all.
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Cassandra SaturnLife StrugglesThis blog of Hers, Life Struggles are about her life in her view, point of view. are also about her thoughts on all kinds of matters in her life.
it is also her Journal Blog. Comments are welcome, but I ask for civil and clean comments please. this Journal is now NSFW too. Archives:
October 2015
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