and she just got mad at me over it, she threatened to put me into crazy house. I mean, over this? that's just sad. she still doesn't get it, I'm not boy or man. I am girl or woman.
instead, she still lives in this crazy fantasies that she calls me by my old male name instead of my real true name. that's crazy I'd say. she needs to open her eyes. the person she KNEW last year ago is gone forever. but the spiritual emotion remains of that person is still around deep inside me.
but the person responsible for loss of joy and love was my ex mother herself. that night of assault, I never mentioned something about it earlier in beginning. the hit caused heavy loss of joy and happiness, love in form of blood.
and so, it took me long time to recover and try to regain much of it by doing the things I love so I will not lose what that made the person I am today. that was through my choices, my actions and my emotions. even the happiness is still difficult to get here without little help or push.
I chose to continue down the path that I made sure others can't follow.
what I did't know is that someone very special to me did follow me down a path that led to his death. that was one thing I held very dearly to me and that was my only first love, first future boyfriend. I have blamed myself for his death, I never got chance to tell him how much I loved him and that I was afraid to talk to him. not everyone gets chance to open up truly to someone they liked or loved.
let me tell you this: "true love is hard to remove but you can get scared when you just realized that you're in love for first time and you're afraid to tell that person out of fear for what they might say, but you must tell them. because sooner or later they might not be here today or tomorrow. so it's important to let that person know."
which is true, because i did't know it would be last time i would ever get to see him. and i do want to say that i truly loved him more than just friend, but a girlfriend. and that i miss him dearly.
so, i can tell you that it is not easy to forget about him like that. i still think of him every day and night. i even think about things that me and him would have been doing lately.. like.. playing video games together and doing game boards, watching movies plus going out every night, partying.
oh, it would have been fun for me.
so I really can't help it when I get like this each night. you're just like, "blah! I need this love badly" who can blame a girl for being like this?
nobody can't. they do understand.
i then see a lot of damaged ruins, abandoned city streets of a city. i feared that our Human Race was wiped out by simple act of War.
everything in that mirror flashed past me as i see it happen. that is the future i was hoping to avoid, but it seems we're on collision course toward the end of Humanity. but i remained hopeful that future will change for better. i just have to hold on to that.