what i'm going to tell you is strictly most personal and very shocking, tragic confession of my entire life that has been in question for long time. REALLY LONG TIME...
Five years ago.. i tried to commit suicide, i tried to kill myself by taking my life on my own with knife and sleeping pills as well.
it became clear that i could't bring myself to tell my ex mother that i was a girl in body of boy. of course, i also knew that i would not be able to reach my dream that early if i told her.
after all, my ex mother is so self-righteous about how god makes everybody born the way they are, not about whole goddamn free will with body thing. it was about my choices with my life, my consequences, my happiness.
as i want to admit, it was difficult for me to live rest of my life as boy. i did't want that. i wanted to live out rest of my life as girl/woman. i don't care if i died, it would't matter to my ex family whom i hated most. it would matter to myself that i was girl/woman finally when i died.
what stopped that from happening was because of my late boyfriend, Austin. he was only one who actually knew i was a girl, an woman beneath the appearance of a boy/man. he knew that i was sad, unhappy with my own life. with the everything that happened, time and again. and so he helped me to move past that stage, continue on the life i am living in.
so.. i do owe him that much. but even i did't know he loved me later in next few years later right up to his death in August 2013. so.. this is one of most sad, tragic self confessions of mine i ever had to make available to my friends, my family and my.. visitors.