for last past six years, i've been unhappy with the way i am. i've been ignoring my early signs as female since 2008. i kept going as boy hoping it would go away. it did not.
i've been grappling with sense of myself or who i am in regards of myself in terms of my gender or other gender. for myself, i'm particularly not happy with the way it turned out.
i never told my mother early of this, i finally told her a month ago later. her reaction was just bad. i really knew i had hurt her to very core of herself. but i really hated telling her of this, but i had to. even today i still hide my girl side from her and everyone when they're around me. i've been through alot, ALOT. i just hate typing this out for all to see.. but i want it to be known.
when i first experienced the early signs, it was in form of my behavior as girl. it happened without a warning, i had to hide the fact and was denying myself of my happiness, being who i really am.
i really thought i had great life, but i did not have that. it was much more of really sad life filled with some happiness for other things. but not myself. i was never happy for most of six years, even i have lost my best family members a year ago.
if i had been given a chance to change the time i would take it and go back in time to tell myself to not deny those feelings. i would ask for every chance to change myself into the person i really am.
of course, i cannot do that because i put all my plans on hold few weeks ago. at least until i work my butt off to earn enough money to help pay for costs of my hormonal treatments and sex change surgery.
the truth is, i'm never going back to Brandon Niquette. i never wanted to be that person, it's been filled with bad and sad memories, but it also have great memories. and i've been seeing alot that haunt me, hurt me. that person is dead to me. and i never want to come back to that person. i want to give Brandon one last bit of dignity left to be remembered for what i remembered him as.
as for being Cassandra Saturn, it is my new original name i chose. my new last name is based on Sailor
Saturn in Sailor Moon. she's my idol.