it won’t be easy life, but you will be able to figure it out on your own eventually.
so, this is my life now.
I was afraid, scared and alone. afraid to speak up or do anything for myself until Korra showed up in late 2012. it was during the time I was unsure of myself, who really I am. Korra has taught me so much in life, relationship, friends, family. by 2013, I finally came out of my former shell of my old self, Brandon. Thus Cassandra was finally free to be outside, no longer hidden to the world anymore. Korra really changed my life. I’m actually able to do things for myself, like.. speaking up for myself, be more open to people, being myself. I’m also able to discuss things openly like never before, ever. (except my personal issues and personal discussions) I owe Korra for that. I’m also more capable to make decisions for myself and on my own only. I just know that I’m actually growing up to be more woman rather than being a child. you can’t be a child or teen anymore, but at heart you are. only that you just have to understand that you are now a woman. and you have to do things on your own. it won’t be easy life, but you will be able to figure it out on your own eventually. so, this is my life now. and I have Korra to thank for that.
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I got very angry and went to confront my boyfriend, spoke to him about what he’s been hiding from me and demand truth from him. my first response to this, I was surprised. I never imagined that he could do this to me. I told him, “it’s over.” but I loved him too much that I was idiot enough to not see what he was been doing behind my back. I used to think that he’d keep me safe and protected like the boyfriend material.. but now he’s not. I now stand on my own and I must look forward to the future. a world with Change.
I am the Avatar, it is my duty to protect the people and bring Balance to the world. it is with regret that Dark Avatar Comic that were set to release once the Script was finished. unfortunately, the Comic was delayed due to a small cold war that has flared up from cold to hot for past few weeks. the Comic Creator, Cassandra is locked in titanic fight against her own ex-mother over Cassandra’s brand new Comic series “Dark Avatar” and “Retribution” the battle is not far from over. she has just locked her own mother out of her room so she will be able to resume her operations of her Comic series once the Scripts are finished. while she deals with this issue regarding her mother, she is actively working on ways to disable her from getting into her comic studio room (her room) as for Legend of Cassandra Comic, Korra’s adopted sister from other world. the comic is still in script stages. hopes to get to work on LoC after two LoK season finales of Dark Avatar and Retribution. LoC will mark the beginning of where she came from and how she became the Avatar’s sister. in other related news, Cassandra (Korra) is considering about telling her boyfriend Rane (Mako) that she feels not important enough to him and wants to break up with him. but only a time will tell. if she loves him more over her feelings of being not important in his life, she will not tell him. it is up to her and Time.
I woke up to having most worst headarche, throbbing badly from a hangover last night and after while, I passed out from it. I woke up again few hours later only to get into fight with my ex mother all over again like bitches arguing over a dick (bad pun lol) we were arguing for most of night over many issues such as yard sale ideas and my life, her life. she even had to bring up the issue I never wanted to talk about most, which was about my dead future boyfriend Austin. god, I really hate that woman for bringing up things I never want to discuss about. the argument lasted most of night till about 5 AM in early morning. then we got into second argument again, it was really getting heated up to the point that we just wanted to beat the crap out of each other. she called me a bitch, cunt few other names and slapped me in face really hard. I had enough of her and slapped her back in response, it ended up being a slapping fight with alot of verbal fights and beating each other hard. this fight lasted an hour. we just simply can't stand each other, we just give each other the "I'm Watching you" look sometimes "I'm gonna Beat you" look. like really literally can't stand each other badly. for now, most of issues I have hidden underneath the layer is pretty well kept under guard and will not risk exposing myself being conflicted by those issues I never want to discuss about the most or talked about. I just know that if I were to talk about my issues, it would tear me apart as the person I am now. my only choice is to keep them locked up and sealed away forever, never to speak about it at all. as for a what-if situation "Scenarios" if I had escaped from my specially made cell after I was captured by my captors, I'd fight hard and brutally to safetry. even in spite of my beliefs, I must kill to protect myself. as for my ex family members, they're simply for disarming them. but what happens if I can't be able to disarm them? they get themselves killed by me. it's fact of life, this one is what i called "Fight or Die" response, others call it "Fight or Flight" response or a "Play Dead or Run" response. which is why I hate those, because it's every being's instinct to kill in order to live. it's part of natural order in Universe. the survival instinct is instilled into every being. the thought of dead ex family members laying here, with blood on my hands scares me and causes me nightmares. because it's true that it could actually happen at any given time if I was being cornered and pressured into killing to protect myself. when I do think about Austin, I cried a bit. I really can't help it when I do that. I resented God for taking away what was most important to me in my life. but I learned a hard lesson about Love in such horrible fashion. but I have to live with the fact that I was afraid of commitment with someone I fell in love with. so, I have to meditate on my own feelings. listen to them and understand even if I'm speaking to my spirit mentor and Korra along with what my experiences were like. I hope for best that my life will be better in due time. even in those horrible and bad moments of your life, you just have to smile. because you still fondly remember happy things that happened in your life over those. that's important. never forget that, Young Avatar.
I still mediate every night I go to bed, I always end up meeting Korra in dreamland and go off in a Adventure. that's the fun part, but... I'm practically unable to shake off the feeling that I'm supposed to be where I need to be at. yet I'm not There as I should be at. each time I get out of narrow ambush on my life in world of Korra, I always find out the bad horrible truth when the enemies Korra has faced actually unmasked themselves.. and they turn out to be certain people I used to known in real life, they were the persons behind horrible things. I just run away from them much as I can. I don't want to be around if it's true that they did it in real life. when I speak to Korra, she can tell that I'm very upset or disturbed by what just happened to me. so she comes up to me and talks to me about what's going on or what's bothering me. I just have hard time telling her that I'm seeing images of my former family and certain people who are evil, criminal when revealed to me through her enemies Korra has faced. she also says that it's actual fact of Life that's showing you the Evils of a person who has lived most of his/her life doing the lesser Evils. I wish that was true, but most of my life has always been painful, hurtful and filled with Sadness, despair. I've been living in hell for long seven years of my life in toxic environment at home. Korra knows how much I went through. so does her family as well. but I always have been grateful to have a sister like Korra. she surprised me when her family told me that they wanted to adopt me into their family almost a year ago. since then, my life in world of Korra has been peaceful, happiness and action, adventure. so filled with wonders of bending. I still remember my first bending haha. I accidentally bended element of water on Tenzin while they were at Tonraq and Senna's house. during that time, Korra took me to training grounds just far from the house. and here we were training hard, she really pushed me to my limit with waterbending. I got to learn alot about it. we returned home to celebrate my role as Waterbender. Korra was angry when she learned that I was kidnapped by Mayor of Republic City who used private army to capture me and were taken to Republic City to stand trial for crimes I did't commit. Korra arrived in Republic City and came to the court with Mako and others. Korra demanded that Mayor release me from my jail cell. the Mayor refused, saying that I commited the acts when I arrived here in Republic City during the Amon attack on Tenzin's island. which is not true. but when Mayor brought me out of cell into the court in front of Korra and others, I was shocked what I saw among the people. I saw other me hiding in plain sight. I just broke free of my cuffs and went on attack. the people was shocked when I took off the hood of that person, it revealed other me. I said, "that's my dark self, only evil version of me. only one way this could have brought her here was to create enough negative energy to summon her." she replied, "correct, Amon summoned me here when he saw you helping Korra." so the Mayor who was shocked, quickly apologized to me. and was about to stop evil me, I yelled out "hold it!" the officers were confused. I said, "I have to deal with her myself alone. name your place of battle, evil me" she replied, "Meet me at statue of Avatar Anng in seven days. make sure you're fully trained in combat arts." I just knew it was not gonna be easy battle, it would be hard. so I accepted the challenge and the place, date. so finally, after seven days of tough training with Korra and others.. I was ready. I went to the statue's base, from here I met her again. off we go. the battle was very brutal and fierce. it lasted ten minutes, evil me was down for good. she begged me to end her, I refused and told her that, "the Duty of Avatar is to teach, not to control the way of everyone's lives should be. she realized that I meant lead by example. in sparing her life, she found herself at peace and released all of negative energy. she had one final wish, her wish was to bond with me at last to know the complete peace I have within myself. I bonded with her, she disappeared in flash of pink light that leaves me all warm and happy. the Dark Cassandra was no more. I returned home all battered up and bruised, bleeding slightly. I said, "she's dead, now at peace. her spirit is within me. and.. I gotta admit it was tough fight, but at end.. she finally knew the peace I had. I think we're gonna not have any trouble from her at all." everyone was happy to hear it and took time to patch me up, put me in bed to rest. within few weeks, I was good as new. when I woke up, my mom (Senna) told me the bad news. the doctor came by and ran blood tests on me while I was asleep and compared it with Korra and Mom's. it revealed that I'm actually her second daughter. they thought it was wrong and ran it three times again to confirm. unfortunately, it was confirmed. so Korra was shocked and had no idea how to respond to this, so did Mom. but they worried about what I would be responding to this news. I responded strongly, "it's great news, I'm proud to be your daughter as much being proud to have a mother like you." Korra and Mom was relieved and happy to hear it. and so since then, it's been me and Korra going on adventure days all time. we came back home after 25 days in Wilderness of Southern Water Tribe. Korra and I left home to return to Republic City and to continue Korra's duties as the Avatar. I also continue to support, help her with all kinds of problems she might be facing. and so.. the story continues... my ex mother and I were arguing three times this morning, she also threatened to kill me herself. I sprained my elbow this morning in attempt to swat pesky flies in the living room when I couldn't find my flyswatter, so I had to improvise on it. and used an minibook for that.
so I'm still posting with that sprained elbow what I'm going to talk about is rather.. Mature to general. but it's my discussion about why the video games are entertainment/training games in my views. along with our sex talk. including some discussion about my mother.. plus the usernames of my friends are edited.
Saturn: so i have bit of good news Sexy: oh? Saturn: mhm Corvin: Hm? Sexy: tell us Saturn: things are bit quiet now since i wrote a letter to my mother yesterday she has backed off and let me be, so it's pretty much quiet awhile. Sexy: great :) Corvin: Nice n.n Saturn: yes it is, but i'm not sure how long it will last Sexy: i hope it will last a lifetime Corvin: And then some Saturn: it's not lifetime actually, you know? Sexy: i know but i hope that she leaves you alone forever Sexy: positive thinking you know Saturn: http://cassandrasaturn.weebly.com/her-daily-blog-life-struggles/letter-to-mother-my-feelings Saturn: that's what i wrote.. this is copied version on text with photos for emotions Sexy: -reading- Sexy: -finishes reading- wow Brent: brb CorvintheusCardygo: tyt sexy: tyt Saturn: tyt Saturn: it's real H-bomb dropped on her like that Sexy: yeah Saturn: really made her to shut up and went quiet for long time. so she finally gets it Sexy: do you know if she got the letter? Saturn: she gets it that i was keeping my emotions bottled up Saturn: it's my ex-mother (my birth mom) so of course i gave it to her in person Sexy: oh ok Saturn: we live together so.. Sexy: oh ok Corvin: Damn, brb. Phone ringing x.x Sexy: sorry i get confused sometimes Sexy: tyt Saturn: tyt Saturn: i call her ex-mother because here's so much hatred toward her and stuff Sexy: i know Saturn: the fight started in february 2008 for no reason, it just happened and it ended in March 2014 when she got injured but she was still same and we fight again a month later etc etc Saturn: we're just too hostile to each other Sexy: oh :( Sexy: yeah you 2 need to stay away from each other Saturn: if you look at the my blogs it dates back to 2008 Saturn: you can look up on past events up to today Saturn: you can see how much of it led to as it is today Sexy: yeah i know hun -sits next to you- Saturn: everything happened for a reason Saturn: me getting hurt over what i needed most to help relieve my stress and she getting hurt over attempted assault again Sexy: yeah.... Saturn: the sad fact of it is that i was right about her. Saturn: she did have extra money to buy a HDTV to replace the broken one and the hit on my face would have been prevented. Saturn: but no she lied about it and used money for food to sustain us. she forgets that, in high stress, i eat over 90% of food. that happens when i'm too stressed out, no HDTV can't help me. Sexy: i agree Sexy: if i didnt have my computer or it was broken i would probably go insane Saturn: but if i had gotten the HDTV, i would gotten started to eat less like, 30% of time Corvin: i'm back Sexy: wb Saturn: instead of seven meals a day Corvin: Thank you Sexy: yw Saturn: but a two meals a day would help in long run to save money Saturn: wb Saturn: yw Saturn: so i did told her this. she did't want to listen to it, that's her fault on her part. Sexy: yeah i agree Saturn: only a smart people would know how much stress can affect food eating mood Sexy: i actually eat when im stressed..... Saturn: Stress are tied into every part of your life Sexy: so i must be smart xD Saturn: for example, if you're violent and is mad, it's sign of sexual need lack. it means you need to fuck, same as being insane horny. Sexy: wow Saturn: so imagine this, without sex, our race would be violent and killing each other over and over. sexy: yeah, that would be crazy. Sexy: and what about with too much sex? Saturn: mhm, too much sex can kill you. Sexy: really? Saturn: your heart gives out if you fuck too much Sexy: oh Saturn: such as ten hours or more. Sexy: o.o Saturn: i don't know the exactly cause of it Sexy: energy drain? Corvin: Lack of blood flow I would assume. Sexy: stamina Saturn: but it's proven that you die from too much Sexy: well you would die happy atleast xDDDDD Saturn: here was couple in japan who never experience sex before died within few minutes of sex. Sexy: wow Saturn: that was a couple of years ago. it was revealed that they never mastrubated before, so that's why they died after they came. Saturn: an 17yr boy in Georgia died from mastubating too much Sexy: wow Saturn: three years ago Corvin: Wasn't it like something around 42 times and he died shortly afterward? Saturn: it was revealed that he mastrubated 20 times Sexy: he probably didn't eat anything or something Saturn: probably before mastrubating Sexy: yeah Saturn: so it kinda opens your mind about dangers of sex. sex may seem harmless, but it can be lethal if overused. Sexy: yeah Corvin: That is like anything though...too much of a good thing is harmful Sexy: xD Saturn: same with whole thing that's assoicated with AIDS and HIV Sexy: yeah Saturn: me being virgin would not get it from people who never had sex before Sexy: virgin here too V.V Saturn: but you could get it from people who had sex before. you know, too much sex Corvin: Again, too much of a good thing lol Saturn: lol. Saturn: sex is for procreation and for.. pleasure lol. Sexy: and exercise. Corvin: I've only had sex a few times myself...one of them wasn't a steller experience...-hot dog...hallway...- Sexy: makes you lose weight Sexy: burning calories Saturn: and yes i heard about it Saturn: i hear it burns calories too fast Saturn: i think that could be why the boy died Sexy: it burns too fast if you do it too fast Saturn: mastrubating also burns the calories too Corvin: Could be a number of things, one of them most likely is lack of blood flow...need blood to pucker the pecker Corvin: That is blood the rest of your body isn't getting Sexy: low blood pressure might also be a reason for the boy that died. Saturn: most of blood is diverted to your cock making it hard fast or slowly. it takes half of blood from main to your cock, which is also same one that goes to your brain. so if you mastrubated too much, most of blood is diverted again, again, again and brain is not getting enough of it. Sexy: possible to feel dizzy for a bit when you orgasm... Saturn: no, not really. you would't know unless you feel a sharp pain in your body like a leg pain or a pain in your neck or somewhere in your head Sexy: oh Saturn: it's the body that's telling you it's enough, getting too close to death Sexy: oh wow Saturn: most people would not know it. the body has preventive measures to prevent it, it has to do it fast if it's getting close to death. if all else fails, it will be hell of shutdown. basically shutting everything down, knocking you out. Sexy: yeah Saturn: or it might possibly kill you or save your life itself either way, here's only 10% chance that it might works or kills you. Sexy: wow Saturn: the human body was made for sex, never for long sex. Sexy: im impressed that you know all that Saturn: i'm smart girl, i self taught myself. they say self taught people are stupid, but they're wrong. it only proves that they're much more better than educated people Sexy: i agree Sexy: it means that you want to learn Saturn: correct Saturn: why? because they got experience in reality than in books Sexy: exactly Saturn: the rule of thumb: if everything is according to the specs in a book, toss it out because you just realized that you made your specs better than it was in book Saturn: lol. Sexy: xD Saturn: so, you see, a experience is important in our lives Sexy: yeah Saturn: we use it to fix things that was broken before, can be fixed again Sexy: i already had a near death/disability in my life Sexy: experience* Saturn: oh i see, that's close call Sexy: yeah Sexy: i'm alive and well because of my fast reflexes.....thanks to racing games... Saturn: oh yeah, video games are also training our reflexes to act fast, anyone who thinks video games are just games, they're stupid Sexy: in my opinion racing games are the best ones Sexy: exactly Saturn: the video games we play are training our memory, our reflexes to act as we want it to do in a bad situation Sexy: yeah Sexy: minecraft helps with creativity Corvin: Well, games are games per se. We act accordingly to what we have learned, our reflexes getting finely toned as a result. It has become a sport in its own right as you are training your mind and body to react how you want it to react Saturn: even we have to know what we need to do in a disaster in reality through a disaster type video games too Sexy: call of duty or battlefield are used to train strategic tactics Saturn: people will not realize this but basically, they are entertaiment/training games for us in any way we want to view them as such Sexy: yup Sexy: ppl say that violent games make ppl violent......WRONG Sexy: for example..... Corvin: People have been violent for thousands of years... Sexy: Korra did you watch the walking dead? Corvin: I'm sure they didn't blame video games on WW1 and WW2 Sexy: exactly corvin Sexy: and guns dont kill ppl Sexy: ppl kill ppl with the aid of guns Corvin: School shootings? "Oh, blame the video games" No...blame lousy parenting, lack of supervision and proper care of a fucking human being >.> Saturn: exactly Sexy: agreed Saturn: that's pretty much the point Sexy: parents that are not responsible to even "own" a child Saturn: and yes i play TWD on video game version too Sexy: i meant tv series Sexy: the game sucks Corvin: Just like parents letting their 10 year olds play CoD..."My kid plays Cod and learns bad language and I don't like that" Well lady...maybe if you understood the ESRB rating, which by the by, is on par with the MOVIE RATINGS, maybe you might understand that if you ain't letting your kid watch an R rated movie, you wouldn't let him or her play or own an M rated game >.> Saturn: yes i know what you meant Sexy: i managed to get to the prison in like 5 minutes Saturn: the game is made too easy lol Sexy: yeah Saturn: funny thing i did't turn out bad Corvin: Damn, brb again lol Saturn: when i was young, i still got M rated games rofl Sexy: corvin but if you deny the child to play he/she will only want to play it more Brent: back from doing homework on dem titties of yours Korra Saturn: Brent! lol hush >.> Brent: what? I'm just happy to write a art of your boobies ^_^ Saturn: lol. anyway, I agree with Sexy Sexy: i played gta vice city when i was.......ermmmm 12 or 13 i think Sexy: my parents didnt care what kind of game i played...as long as it kept me busy and happy Saturn: yes, but you have to let him/her understand why it's M rated or T rated for a reason that way you can talk to that child to understand why things in a game happen for a reason. this is Letter to my mother which I wrote today to her, this is copied version in my own text version typed by me. and so I shall read for you. as it follows: Look around, the House is mess because we had no income to have and keep our things in check since you were laid off. and I had trouble keeping the house clean and fix things since then. I also had trouble keeping my stress levels out of all my problems since the HDTV broke. you honestly really don't get it. I am Deaf and Deaf people are prone to stress and it can lead to anger and Violence due to problems at home. their only choice is to relieve their stress by playing high definition games or talking to friends and family on a virtual world or a virtual chat. But.. But.. BUT..... I fucking kept secret of myself being a girl physically and mentally from everyone since 2008, but only one person that really was close enough to me and been in my life for long time has known of my secret were Austin. I was so damn scared to let him get too close to me because I was afraid that he would tell you before I did and how I felt like after all those years! so BLAME ME for keeping my fucking emotions bottled up since I lost Austin.. so okay? BACK OFF! I know I am only one who chosen life with safetry over free more unsafe life. I chose that because I'm not ready for the world yet... more. and because I told my secret to everyone, all my friends in reality on Facebook and I got dropped from their list in January 2013. before I made a Annoucement to you about me being girl.. prior to a week later I made it. so I lost everyone that way simply because they did't accepted me for who I am and what I stand for. it's all close-minded people. who don't like the idea of me being girl. I freaking hate everyone because they don't want to accept me as woman, I want to be as instead of boy than to living a lie of this fake life of mine! I want to make my life better by moving away somehow and start my change, start my own family and new friends. it's already hard enough for me to have a social life without a fucking scar! an damned scar on my face! I JUST want that gone!
so, THANKS for that, Mom! I received a vision today when I was asleep soundly. it shocked me greatly to wake up from it. it took place inside this very same house I live in. my ex grandma hands me a letter, saying "your mom will put you in County Air" County Air is basically an prisoner air transport to jail. I meditated on this, I think it has to do with what happened few months ago and last year along with past years. I'm genuinely shocked and can't believe it. I don't want to, but my history of future telling has never proven me wrong. I blame whoever gave me the gift to see into future since I was born with it. only this time, it's about me for first time. I just don't understand why my own ex mother would do this to me.. I'm actually crying and feeling alone, no one to help me and take care of me.
this life I'm living here is too toxic for my health and my life. I don't want to be around here anymore.. I wish I moved to California and enjoying my new life as it should be. my ex Mother came up to me and yelled at me really loud for no reason without warning and I just snapped at her, yelled at her in response. it led to shouting and yelling for ten minutes. I was so angry with her over what she just did. I wanted to slap her really hard, to teach her a lesson. I had it with that bitch. I want to move out soon as possible. I just feel like I want to do serious damage to her, because I can't stand that woman! who does she think she is?! I'm so freaking mad and angry at her! so I just yelled at her to leave the house now. and she did left the house. but I know she'll be back from whatever she's doing. I just realized that I'm too mad and angry at everything that happened. sometimes I just want to shut it out of my mind, to close my eyes and go back to beginning. back to that time when everything was peaceful and happy, sun shining brightly. then again, I'm still not feeling better or safe. I want to go, to go away forever from this place and live on my own without all those problems piling on me every day with my ex family. I'm very afraid that I'd be captured again and beaten, abused and left to mercy at hands of my capturers. should it happen, I don't know what to do in that situation.. as I am laying on the floor, I open my eyes and realize I'm alone in this world, an unfamiliar world. I don't have anyone that I trust or have someone who loves me for who I am and what I stand for in this horrible world.
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Cassandra SaturnLife StrugglesThis blog of Hers, Life Struggles are about her life in her view, point of view. are also about her thoughts on all kinds of matters in her life.
it is also her Journal Blog. Comments are welcome, but I ask for civil and clean comments please. this Journal is now NSFW too. Archives:
October 2015
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